Virtual Vaudeville Title

The Hebrew Glazier

by Frank Bush
Adapted by C.B. Davis for Virtual Vaudeville

One of the Bush Songsters in the Brown University collection contains a two-person sketch called "The Hebrew Glazier." The sketch is a name-calling match and physical fight between Mike, "a sprig of the Emerald Isle" and Solomon Bulerinsky " a glass puteen, and a member of the proscribed race." For Virtual Vaudeville, C.B. Davis has adapted this sketch as a one person "quick-change." This adaptation is inspired by a play that Bush performed in 1896 -- the year following our virtual performance -- called Girl Wanted, in which Bush performed a dozen different characters through quick-changes and vocal transformations. The one-man show supports the idea that Bush created contrasting voices and mannerisms that helped to separate the characters in the direct speech of a dialogue. Davis has supplemented the text of the Hebrew Glazier with other jokes attributed to Frank Bush in period joke books.

SCENE: A street. Enter Mike stealthily, looking as if in quest of some one. A shirttail is hanging out of a hole in the seat of his trousers.

MIKE:

Ha! By the howls in me grandfather’s socks, where can he have gone to? How can I have missed him? Has he tumbled down a coal-hole? No. Has he shinned up a telegram pole, or taken refuge in a fire-plug? No. Then where in the name o’ me mother in law's double decked slippers can the spalpeen have gone to? Divil a wan o' me knows. It's as mishterious as if it war the work o' some wonder workin' wizard. The thin skinned, yellow-tanned, graisy slippery, thaivin' botchin' glass puddiner, didn't mend me windy in a decent fashion and it broke. H didn't put no putty on the pane: blast his eyes, he used spit, and the minute my old woman's bustle dropped on the floor out the whole thing dropped like a set o' false teeth.

My owld woman uses only one week's edition ov the Sun and yesterday's stale coffee rolls compressed in her behind machine.

So I tripped the lantern jawed Jew and sat on him but he ripped out the seat of me pants trying to escape. It’s well seen that these same trousers were purchased from one of his own countrymen! So he offers to mend me solid South with a pane o' glass! A pane of sharp glass over the tenderest bunch o' mate on me whole carcass!

How can I go home to me Brigit with this open countenance? I'll have to go into O' Donnell's on the corner and consider me predicament through another glass.

(Exits)

(Enter Solomon with a box on his back.)

SOLOMON:

He! he! ha! Ho!ho!ho! he! he! I ran the Irishers out of all the wind that his breadbasket could hold. Then I gave him the slip, cut up another street, and here I am. Ah, it takes a Sheeny to get the best of anyone when it's a case of cunning against cunning. He can bamboozle anyone from the common place Irisher up to the North American Indian. Oh ain't I glad I was made a Sheeny. Oh, if they hadn't made one out of me I'd have raised the ghost of Moses with my row, and got myself dyed and scoured into one anyhow, if not done completely over again.

 

SONG: Sheeny Glazier

 

My son Abe is a doctor. He vent to visit his patients last veek in der hospital. Abe says to the nurse." How are they getting along?" Der nurse says, "Doctor, nine of 'em are dead." Abe says, "It's funny, I left medicine for ten!"

My brudder Issy got a job as a conductor on a streetcar. Two vimen got on at twenty-third Street, und one says: "Let me off at Ninth street," und de odder voman says "Let me off at fourth Street."

Issy said: "You both got on together; you’ll both get off together." Issy only made two trips, but he didn’t bring any money in. De superintendent thanked him for bringing the car back."

My father is a Hebrew Judge, he sentenced a loafer for four years in State prison, the minute he got sentenced the loafer picked up an inkstand, threw it at my father’s head, my father dodged it, it vent through a vindow, broke a $40 pane of glass; the ink-stand struck a lady’s dress on the side-valk, she vent to shake the ink out, it frightened a horse and carriage mit two beople in it, de horse run away und der people got killed; der horse dive in a crockery store vindow, broke eight hundred dollars worth of crockery the man in the store found out vhere der ting originated from, now my father is going to be sued for dodging the ink stand!

A man went into a Hebrew clothing store and tried on a coat and vest. While the Hebrew turned his back to get the trousers, the man ran out of the store. A policeman came by and pulled his pistol. The Hebrew called out excitedly: "Shoot him in the pants. The coat and vest is mine!"

Oh oh! Speaking of pants, here comes the Irisher. (A stone is thrown from R.) Leave me be Butstky-Vutsky!

(Sings as he exits)

Good evening friends I'm going now to leave you,
I hope my reputations I've sustained
As the bossest and the bulliest little Sheeny
Of all the glass puteens that ever reigned!


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